Door

I have always wondered why do people stay in abusive relationship; physical or emotion. They should've stopped and walk away. It is not worth it. Why keep holding on to things that hurt you when you could do better? Why try so hard to give happiness to others when all they could give is none other than pain? Why keep accepting the fact that they will never appreciate? Why ignore the feeling of worthlessness? Why keep the tears flowing? Why fake the smile? Why endure such huge pain for a little bit of happiness? Why sacrifice when you got nothing in return? Why risk it when you know it is not going to work? Why. 

Because it is not as easy as it seems. You may try hard to close the door. But when they come knocking, there is a choice to keep them knocking. But you just can't stop yourself from opening it. 

Sekali

Hari ini, jemariku menari menekan kekunci. Menulis dalam bahasa ini, bahasa ibundaku sendiri. Bahasa yang telah kututuri semenjak lahir lagi. Bahasa ini kata mereka harus diangkat tinggi. Memartabatkan bahasa ini menjadi satu misi. Akankah fantasi ini menjadi realiti? Kala mereka sibuk mengadili, menjadi juri, menabur kritik dan kata keji, adakah terjaga martabat bahasa ini? Adakah semakin tinggi maruah bangsa ini? Sedangkan mereka sendiri membuta tuli, merancang langkah, takut berlari. Sampai bila harus di sini? Menyimpan kuku menjaga taji. Mereka berbangga berbahasa inggeris, sedang bahasa sendiri terbiar sepi. Bila bertutur di hadapan kami, nahu dan kata masih lagi lari.

Mereka bermadah dengan angkuh dan bongkak, menabur janji katanya aspirasi. Aku lalu tergelak sendiri melihat mereka mengangkat tempat diri sendiri. Semakin hari semakin keji.

Lost,

Once upon a time,
I once had someone in my life, who cared for me and loved me sincerely. I was in comfort. I was happy until I got too loose. We were too far apart. The long distance was unbearable. I took that person for granted. I hurt him without intentions. I changed him. I tried to mold him into someone that I wanted him to be, not someone that I used to love. I was cruel and awful towards this lovely mankind. I got sensitive. I got hurt too easily. And worst come to worst, I got bored. I got bored of all his showering care and love. I got bored of his attention and feelings. I got bored of him. He was hurt. Deeply hurt. While I, was out, looking for some adventures, looking for someone new, seeking for some attention that he had given me more than enough. I admit, I am awfully bloody terrible. But that could change nothing. As he, is now gone. He had left me. He had started a new chapter, without me. He had had enough. He had been suffering for long, being ignored, hurt, and terribly wronged, by me. This person that he used to love a whole lot is now just somebody that he used to know. They said, you will realize how important someone is in your life when that person has gone. And I, bear witness that the statement is truth. I tried my best to fix things up, apologize, start new. But hey, it's not as easy as munching on some snacks. When a glass is shattered, you can't simply piece it back together using super glue. That's what happened. And I'm doomed, being a pathetic loser. Not being able to get over and move on. Because I'm just a little girl, lost. A lost little girl in her own world.

Missing You

Missing You

          It has been a while now. I thought I've recovered. But I'm absolutely wrong. I still shed a tear every once in a while. Deep in my heart, I'm longing him so badly.


          He was the one who always pray for me and always want to see me succeed. He's an awesome man. I could speak with him using 3 languages. That's my atuk. He's wonderful. He was always there to back me up whenever I argue with my opah. She loves to compare me to my cousin. And she never agree with me on anything. It's her hobby to annoy me, perhaps. He told me not to get upset. "There's no use." "She's different." "She's not that smart." "She doesn't get it." "Let her be." that's what he always said to me. He understands me really well. I love him.


          When spending time at kampung, I'm always anxious. As if my ears are hearing his motorbike's sound driving in to the yard, I keep looking around out the window in the evening. Hoping that he'll come back with gardenia bread and ice cream or mee rebus, popiah and karipap like he always did. But I knew that there's no way it would happen. I miss him so much.


          At dawn, my ears keep hearing him reciting the Quran and zikir. As if he's still there. But that's just me. He's not there. And will never be. My heart yearn for his presence.


          Every time someone mention about him around me, my eyes started getting teary. The loss of him hurts. But the memories that replays again and again are the biggest pain. I always pray to meet him again in the hereafter. May Allah will bless his soul. And let him rest in peace. Amiin.

Him.

          He took care of him when he's sick. He was there the whole time never leaving him alone. He gave all the things he want. He cared for him like a little child. He never ever complained. He wiped his body with the cold yaasin water. Hoping that the sakaraatul maut would be less harsh to him. He kept reminding him to be tough. And not to stop saying the kalimah. He smiled to everybody who came to visit. He smiled to me and my little brother who're already crying at the corner. He recited the yaasin praying that the process of him 'going back' would be less painful. He whispered the kalimah syahaadah to his ears nonstop. He smiled when the doctor said that there's no more hope. He nodded his head with a calm face. He saw the last two breaths. He saw it when there were water vapor in the second last breath. And he saw it when there's only air came out. Cold, no heat. He saw the last moments. But he still managed to go home with a smile. He still had the strength to greet everyone. He managed to control his feelings. But the next morning, before the jenazah left home. He just can't keep it anymore. At last, the strong him cried. The tears fell non-stop. With the red eyes and face, he still managed to ask forgiveness for him from everyone who came. He asked them to pray for the best for the late him. And he said all that with a smile. I couldn't hold my tears any longer and they fell for the nth time that day. I've been crying from the day before. And seeing the strong him crying like that, it just broke my heart. After the burial. He sat there. With his two sons. And me, his daughter. He smiled. And then, his tears fell again. He loves him. And the tears he held for such a long time fell that day just because.. He is a son. 






May allah bless his soul in peace. My late Tok. Amin.